When God Leads Us Outside Our Comfort Zones

 As I look back over my life, there are three things I said I would never do in my life - become Catholic, charismatic, or speak publicly about anything. Fifteen years ago this Easter, God called me to the Catholic Church - to a place that would stretch me beyond my wildest imagination. I have found a Church that is so universal as to allow me to embark on the next two items in the list. 

In this Church, I found a place where all forms of worship - contemplative, charismatic, works of mercy, different tribes and tongues could all find a home with the same Savior. I was no longer choosing one denomination or another, because I could find things that were important to all of them in one universal church, as they all found their roots in the same place. It brought me enormous healing and an expansiveness of spirit. 

By nature, I have tended toward the more contemplative dimensions of the faith, but over the past year, I began attending charismatic meetings in our chapel. This ministry in our parish began with a full day retreat, to learn something of the beginnings and purpose of the movement. They made time for open prayer and speaking in tongues. SOOOOOOO far outside my comfort zone, people!! Yet, when a woman prayed over me in tongues, it was one of the most unique and meaningful prayer experiences of my life. I wasn't focused on the words she was speaking, but on the movement of the Holy Spirit. While I typically prefer prayer of silence in contemplation, prayer beyond words, I noticed that the same movements were happening in this woman's prayer. Language was no longer the focus or even a barrier, but the movement of the Holy Spirit was allowed to take center stage in a way that was beyond words. It allowed God to move, without us getting in the way. It was amazing!!

Now, do I want to speak in tongues? For the record, no. That still feels too far outside my comfort zone, yet I am open to where God will lead. Instead of speaking in tongues, God reached me in a more introductory place - letting me speak in my own native language, but this time, He asked me to stretch in order to share in front of that same ministry. He inspired me to speak in front of a room full of people and share a testimony of how God is working in my life at present. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?? I had watched others pour out their gifts in beautiful and diverse ways over time, in an atmosphere that was warm and supportive, and it helped me to grow in courage to share one of my own gifts. 

I decided not to tell anyone in advance that I was going to do so. I only wanted those that were called by the Holy Spirit to attend that night, as this gift was coming from such a tender place within me, and I wanted God's Spirit to lead where He would and to whom He would. Yet, since then, others have wanted to hear what happened that night, and one of my best friends asked me to write it out, so today, as we enter the Triduum...Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and the joy of the Easter Vigil, I share my own story, in hope that you too will then go out and share your own gifts with others this Easter, in whatever way God calls you to do. 

For Elle....

[ When we arrived that evening for our meeting, we began by praise and worship, a time where we can lift our hands in praise to Jesus, to praise God out loud for all the marvelous things He has done, and is doing, in our lives. That particular night, they included Eucharistic Adoration. It was a night unlike any other, incorporating the very best of my faith - all the things I love most in this world, and it was in this spirit of worship that I was given the opportunity to share. This was given on March 12. ]

Today is one of only two times in the course of my life that I have spoken in front of a room full of people about anything...of my own free will. Yet, because of the way you all have shared your own gifts with me over time, it has given me the courage to share one of my own gifts with you tonight, so thank you all. 

This past year has been one of the most difficult of my life. We have had many challenges, both good and bad...surgeries, sending our oldest daughter to college for the first time with all the changes that brought, both good and bad. We went through a job change, relational difficulties outside our household, etc. Throughout this year though, one Bible verse, Psalm 27:13 NRSVCE, keeps coming to me in various ways, "I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." 

One morning, I was really struggling with all of this. Something had just happened in my life that really left me scratching my head to understand. I couldn't figure out why God had allowed it to happen, what He was doing or what they were thinking. I went to prayer that morning after daily mass, it was a Tuesday. I was praying the rosary, meditating on the Sorrowful mysteries [ where we meditate on the Passion of Christ - from the Garden of Gethsemane to the crucifixion ]. I was really struggling to understand it all and I asked God to help me.

A vision came to me. I was walking the road to Calvary next to Jesus, underneath the cross. I was helping to carry it, but it had no weight on me at all. I knew that He was right beside me, to my left, though I couldn't see His face. I knew He was there, but my focus was drawn to the wood of the cross in particular. As it was being dragged across the ground, it was making a scraping sound. If you've ever tried to drag something heavy over dirt, you know what I'm talking about. As we went along, it would inevitably hit a half-buried stone in the ground that would cause it to suddenly sway at the top, to one side or the other. I thought about the fact that He fell under the cross three times on His journey. 

Suddenly, I was sitting at the foot foot of the cross. I knew that He was nailed to it just above my head, His feet were just above me. I didn't feel I could look up, but my attention was drawn once again to the wood. It was not a thin post, but very sturdy, something I could really grab onto and hold onto. I remember the feel of it as I touched it. I felt so alone in my struggles, yet I suddenly became aware that I was not alone at all. HE was there, too. He was the one on the cross doing all the hard work. 

Whatever others had done or not done, He gave His LIFE for me. He gave everything to die for me.

There was also a pervasive sense that something very good is coming. Not just good, but very good! I don't have a sense of timeline, whether that is now or in heaven, only an assurance that it is coming. 

As I sat there at the cross, at some point, I began to think I could look up, but I began to feel some fear. What would happen if I did... if I looked into the face of that level of agony? Would I be afraid? What if it changed our relationship in ways I couldn't put back together again? 

The vision began to fade, though the consolation was very strong and lasted a week or two, but as all consolation does, it eventually faded into pure faith that I live in right now. 

Then, the testing came...

When I originally agreed to share my testimony, it was going to stop there. I did not realize the importance of the day that our Deacon chose for me to share, until this very week. It was five years ago to the day, today, that I saw my mom walk this earth for the last time. A couple weeks before, she called me one night to tell me that she had stage four pancreatic cancer, with only three months left to live. So, a week later, we packed up our car and drove all the way back home to stay with her for a week, from March 7-12. The last time I saw her, she was out walking the dog! As all stage four cancer patients do, right?!? She was so full of life and joy! She was like a little child again, as the cancer had started to affect her brain. I am so glad this is my last memory of her, and I hope I end my life just as she did - so full of joy!

I did not realize the date until we got another phone call this week. This past Saturday, on March 7 of this year, my husband's best friend reached out to us to tell us he has an even worse cancer diagnosis, one without treatment options. One of my own best friends is fighting the same illness. I haven't been feeling all "I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living"...

I realized in all of this, that I have been fighting the cross my whole life. I can suffer with the best of them, but I didn't fully realize something...

It's a gift.

I like the shiny, happy gifts of life. I like to watch a movie with a good ending, or why watch it? I love the days of victory!

But, my heavenly Father, my Dad, gave me a gift. It was given with love and made perfectly suited to me in this exact moment in my life. He took into account all that is going on in my life and where I am at in my growth at this very moment when He gave it to me...

It's in the shape of a cross.

I wondered what His face would look like if I said to Him, "No, I don't want this one. I don't like it." I want to receive it with joy and make His face smile, because I know the heart behind the gift. He wouldn't let me go through this unless He knew He could make something good come out of it. 

Jesus chose to reveal His sacramental Presence to us on earth in the Eucharist. He came to us in our daily lives in the form of His own sacrifice, but it also contains the resurrection, too. It has an assurance of victory!

He is present in my own sacrifice, and the resurrection is coming. I live in the "already and not yet." 

"I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." 

Peace be with you.

CeCe Winans "Goodness of God"

Photo Credit: Tim Marshall, Stocksnap.io