In Light of Recent Events...

 It can seem to us humans, in difficult times, that there are a limited number of options, even when we have sought God in our prayers. "Lord, what do you want me to do?" we ask.

There has been a cascade of events in my own life recently that has effectively undone every plan I had for myself for this school year. I sent my oldest child off to college, planned to join this or that ministry, grow my friendship circle, do research, etc, as I begin to look to my own future after the kids begin to leave the nest. 

Then, life changed.

Within about a two week time span, I found myself wondering if there was anything left to give up, and then I discovered it.  I had the urge to clean and sort my house, give away unnecessary items and generally simplify my surroundings to match the events of my life. You know the saying, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." If I have to give up what I didn't think I wanted to give up, then why not go all the way with the effort? Purge my home's unnecessary contents and dust bunnies, too?

Even that sacrifice I must make - not the dust bunnies or old contents, but the simple desire to do so. To give away the desire to give away. This is officially new to me, and very familiar all at the same time. To give up my own way. Same concept, new subject matter.

If I'm honest, I know deep down within that my plans for this fall weren't fully satisfying. They were the best I could do with the options available and my energy level to create something new. In my desire to find what God wanted me to do, I never imagined it would be to sit in appointments all day. Not my appointments. The waiting rooms of others' appointments. Nothing serious or life threatening, just a perfectly timed storm of unforeseen and necessary things. There is the morning and afternoon carpool line also. The day of the week that I spend cleaning the bathroom and grocery shopping. 

It's not been an easy adjustment, but it's been an oddly satisfying one. It is quiet in waiting rooms. The miles on the road are rhythmic and calming. The cessation of chatter around me is quieting my mind and heart. 

It's a reminder to listen, to just listen, to the voice of God. Not to talk, even to ask, "Jesus, what do you want me to do?" It's more akin to, "Jesus, who are you? What do you desire to say? Jesus, I love you."

Things come up left and right that threaten to sink or overwhelm me, as I have been pushed beyond what I thought I could bear, but Jesus literally has a plan in place before I'm able to even lift a finger to fix them. So, I drive to the next appointment, journal and pen in hand, and I wait. I wash the next dish. And I begin to ask not "why," but "Jesus, how can I bring glory to you with my next dish, my next cleaned toilet, my next mile on the road? How can I bring glory to you in all the pain of the world? The things I can't fathom? The cancelled plans? Lost relationships in the past? Political events?" 

I think in the world, in politics, even faith, too often we see only 2 or 3 ways to do things. We do things my way and I win. Or we do things your way and you win. Or we compromise and we both get a little of what we want and a little (or a lot) of what we don't want. 

What if God has another idea but we won't put down what we're holding onto long enough to consider another possibility outside of anything we can currently imagine? How can He give us something that big if our hearts don't grow? If we don't allow Him to expand our hearts and empty them of self? If we aren't willing to let them be emptied and live with the empty space within until our hearts are big enough to contain what God desired to give us all along? 

Eternal life and an eternal vision that begins right here and now. 

To show us each who we really are, who He created us to be. How much He really loves us and delights to bless us and heal us and make us whole again. Not just us, not just certain groups or people, but all of us as a whole. 

I don't have all the answers, just another post scribbled on last's week's grocery list, while I sit waiting again for Him to speak once more.

Jesus, Lord of my life, I don't know what I want. I have looked everywhere and this world doesn't contain it. No person, thing, plan, political party, viewpoint, safety net, money...none of it satisfies me. None of it is lasting. None of it can fill the cavernous hole within me that longs for You alone. 

You alone can fill this place within me, and even when You are silent and I can't feel you near, I know it is only to grow this place within me even more, so that You can fill me with even more than I ever thought possible. 

You delight me beyond my wildest imaginings. You lead me on adventures of which I never dreamed. You heal my broken heart. You lead me to safe pastures and satiate my burning thirst with living water. The only thing I ask is that I may bring glory to You today in all I do. Please forgive me when I don't. Set me again on right paths for Your name's sake (Ps. 23:3) and lead me in everlasting ways (Ps. 139:34). 

I surrender all. You are my highest good, my greatest gift. You are the love of my life.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Peace be with you.

Photo Credit: Ian Livesey, Stocksnap.io