Listening to Our Inner Wisdom Part II

Our relationship with God and self is very important. It forms the foundation from where we will relate to others and how we teach others how to relate to us. It is impossible to connect well with others if we don’t take the time for self-care and to be in close communion with God (You can read more about this in my previous post Listening To Our Inner Wisdom Part I). However, we were made for relationship and it is important to choose well the people we allow to be our closest companions in life. They will often have a big influence on who we will become. In Part I, I spoke about the need to cultivate a good relationship with God and our inner needs. It is also important to take that inner wisdom into account when forming new relationships. This will be easier when we know what our needs are and listen to that gut feeling when relating to others.

It is so important to surround ourselves with people who are going to help us grow closer to God and to fulfill the purpose He has in store for us. There is a time and place to serve others who may not yet be in a healthy place, but today I’m referring to those core friendships that will influence us most. At times, I think it is too easy to go along with the status quo or maybe we just settle because we don’t realize there are better relationships out there. We need to guard our hearts and minds and put on the mind of Christ, but that is much harder to do when surrounded by unhealthy people. Like begets like.

I think too often we can sell ourselves short in the relationship department and I’ve personally been reminded of this recently. I was mulling over this concept about a year ago when I was introduced to the word scarcity. I realized that too often I did things out of fear. I could lose sight of God’s abundance and become focused on the scarcity that is too often screaming at us in our world today. It seems the news, commercials, etc. are forever throwing this term around and it is a flat out lie. We can stay in relationships that are miserable at worst, unfulfilling at best all because we believe the lie of scarcity.

You will often hear me speak of St. Therese of Lisieux – she is my favorite saint and she had a very well balanced view of suffering. To her, you heal/tend to what you can and offer the rest to God to be used as He sees fit and to be joined with the sufferings of Christ. While no relationship is perfect and at times we will have to bear with the faults of others, we do not need to stay in a relationship that is draining away our energy on a consistent basis, or worse, making us sick. If we stay in unhealthy relationships because we don’t think we have a choice or because if we could just get things “right,” things would be great, we’re living in a place of scarcity.

There are so many people in life and if we leave room for the healthy and prune out the unhealthy, if we listen to the Holy Spirit and our inner needs when we’re around new people, it will be more likely that we will choose relationships where we will experience that relational abundance. This doesn’t mean that someone is necessarily a bad person or emotionally unhealthy in the traditional sense, but maybe they are just a bad fit for you.

Here are some questions to ponder and possible red flags that a relationship is not what it should be:

Are you frequently withdrawing or experiencing a grasping, anxious feeling, like you are not entirely safe or secure when around a certain person? Sometimes we do not need to be more detached, we need to find or rebuild a safer connection.

Do you notice the other person frequently acting jealous, trying to control you (even just out of a desire to “help”) or are you consistently taking all the blame in a relationship? Do you find yourself hiding legitimate aspects of yourself or your life for these reasons?

Are your accomplishments belittled or do you feel a sense of unhealthy competition from this person, like they always have to be “one-up” in everything you do?

Do you frequently feel you aren’t ‘good enough’? If you could just get it ‘right’ then suddenly things would work or your needs would be met?

Is the other person able to apologize and take ownership of their side of a conflict? Or do they dismiss your views or buy a gift instead, hoping it will just blow over?

Is the other person too guarded for the type of relationship you’re in? I’m not referring to healthy boundaries, but if the relationship is unequal emotionally, it can leave one person feeling unsettled or disconnected.

Do they fail to keep their word or your secrets, even in the form of “prayer requests” for you?

Do you feel responsible for their emotions and “keeping the peace,” like you are walking on eggshells?

Do you feel in any way uncomfortable or disrespected? Are your feelings dismissed in any way?

Are you fearful of doing or saying the wrong thing? Do you feel the need to change who you are in any way in order to be in a relationship with this person?

Do you feel uncomfortable talking about a slight or how you feel?

Is there a healthy mutuality to the relationship where the needs of both parties are considered and reasonably met?

Do you ever feel pressured to do something that goes against your conscience? Do you feel more distance in your relationship with God after spending time with them?

Do you keep them in your life because you “should” for any reason?

Even if it’s something you can’t quite name, just the fact that something feels ‘off’ is important to consider. My goal today is to highlight possible problems that may need resolved or to develop the awareness that a relationship may not be the right fit. I am not a psychologist and if you feel you are in danger in any way, you should seek professional help.

On the flip side of this list, to find good friends, we need to be good friends. Do you see yourself in any of the above questions? Is there an area that you realize you could strengthen in your own life? There are definitely times that things aren’t working simply because we have some inner work to do.

Our joy in life has to come first and foremost from within – from a healthy relationship with Jesus and with ourselves. We can not expect one of God’s creatures to fill the space that only our infinite, loving God can fill. Nothing will be perfect or even perfectly fulfilling this side of heaven. That said, God designed us to be relational creatures, and to not just suffer through relationship with others, but to live in joy and abundance.

What do you long for right now in your relationships? I recently traveled for summer vacation and a memory popped into my head of waiting for someone at the airport one day long ago. It had been a long time since our last meeting, and I remember the feeling that it didn’t matter what they wore, how they looked, how tired they may be, etc. All that mattered was being together. It was a “coming home” kind of feeling. At the end of the day, it is important to find relationships that can encourage and accept us as we are, while challenging us to become the best we can be.

In summary, we need to seek that which draws us closer to God in this life, and move away from that which doesn’t. So, where are most of your relationships? Do you have those core people in your life that are drawing you closer to God or do you find yourself compromising in your faith life because of the company you keep? Do you find yourself staying in relationships that are unhealthy because you should or do you seek people that will love you where you are while challenging you to be your best?


Photograph by Ben White, courtesy of StockSnap