Listening to Our Inner Wisdom Part II
Our relationship with God and self is very important. It forms the
foundation from where we will relate to others and how we teach
others how to relate to us. It is impossible to connect well with
others if we don’t take the time for self-care and to be in close
communion with God (You can read more about this in my previous post
Listening To Our Inner Wisdom Part I).
However, we were made for relationship and it is important to choose
well the people we allow to be our closest companions in life. They
will often have a big influence on who we will become. In Part I, I
spoke about the need to cultivate a good relationship with God and
our inner needs. It is also important to take that inner wisdom into
account when forming new relationships. This will be easier when we
know what our needs are and listen to that gut feeling when relating
to others.
It is so important to surround ourselves with people who are going to
help us grow closer to God and to fulfill the purpose He has in store
for us. There is a time and place to serve others who may not yet be
in a healthy place, but today I’m referring to those core
friendships that will influence us most. At times, I think it is too
easy to go along with the status quo or maybe we just settle because
we don’t realize there are better relationships out there. We need
to guard our hearts and minds and put on the mind of Christ, but that
is much harder to do when surrounded by unhealthy people. Like
begets like.
I think too often we can sell ourselves short in the relationship
department and I’ve personally been reminded of this recently. I
was mulling over this concept about a year ago when I was introduced
to the word scarcity. I realized that too often I did things
out of fear. I could lose sight of God’s abundance and become
focused on the scarcity that is too often screaming at us in our
world today. It seems the news, commercials, etc. are forever
throwing this term around and it is a flat out lie. We can stay in relationships that are miserable at
worst, unfulfilling at best all because we believe the lie of
scarcity.
You will often hear me speak of St. Therese of Lisieux – she is my
favorite saint and she had a very well balanced view of suffering. To
her, you heal/tend to what you can and offer the rest to God to be
used as He sees fit and to be joined with the sufferings of Christ.
While no relationship is perfect and at times we will have to bear
with the faults of others, we do not need to stay in a relationship
that is draining away our energy on a consistent basis, or worse,
making us sick. If we stay in unhealthy relationships because we
don’t think we have a choice or because if we could just get things
“right,” things would be great, we’re living in a place of
scarcity.
There are so many people in life and if we leave room for the healthy
and prune out the unhealthy, if we listen to the Holy Spirit and our
inner needs when we’re around new people, it will be more likely
that we will choose relationships where we will experience that relational abundance. This doesn’t
mean that someone is necessarily a bad person or emotionally
unhealthy in the traditional sense, but maybe they are just a bad fit
for you.
Here are some questions to ponder and possible red flags that a
relationship is not what it should be:
Are you frequently withdrawing or experiencing a grasping, anxious
feeling, like you are not entirely safe or secure when around a
certain person? Sometimes we do not need to be more detached, we need
to find or rebuild a safer connection.
Do you notice the other person frequently acting jealous, trying
to control you (even just out of a desire to “help”) or are you
consistently taking all the blame in a relationship? Do you find
yourself hiding legitimate aspects of yourself or your life for these
reasons?
Are your accomplishments belittled or do you feel a sense of
unhealthy competition from this person, like they always have to be
“one-up” in everything you do?
Do you frequently feel you aren’t ‘good enough’? If you
could just get it ‘right’ then suddenly things would work or your
needs would be met?
Is the other person able to apologize and take ownership of their
side of a conflict? Or do they dismiss your views or buy a gift
instead, hoping it will just blow over?
Is the other person too guarded for the type of relationship
you’re in? I’m not referring to healthy boundaries, but if the
relationship is unequal emotionally, it can leave one person feeling
unsettled or disconnected.
Do they fail to keep their word or your secrets, even in the form
of “prayer requests” for you?
Do you feel responsible for their emotions and “keeping the
peace,” like you are walking on eggshells?
Do you feel in any way uncomfortable or disrespected? Are your
feelings dismissed in any way?
Are you fearful of doing or saying the wrong thing? Do you feel
the need to change who you are in any way in order to be in a
relationship with this person?
Do you feel uncomfortable talking about a slight or how you feel?
Is there a healthy mutuality to the relationship where the needs
of both parties are considered and reasonably met?
Do you ever feel pressured to do something that goes against your
conscience? Do you feel more distance in your relationship with God
after spending time with them?
Do you keep them in your life because you “should” for any
reason?
Even if it’s something you can’t quite name, just the fact that
something feels ‘off’ is important to consider. My goal today is
to highlight possible problems that may need resolved or to develop
the awareness that a relationship may not be the right fit. I am not
a psychologist and if you feel you are in danger in any way, you
should seek professional help.
On the flip side of this list, to find good friends, we need to be
good friends. Do you see yourself in any of the above questions? Is
there an area that you realize you could strengthen in your own life?
There are definitely times that things aren’t working simply
because we have some inner work to do.
Our joy in life has to come first and foremost from within – from a
healthy relationship with Jesus and with ourselves. We can not expect
one of God’s creatures to fill the space that only our infinite,
loving God can fill. Nothing will be perfect or even perfectly
fulfilling this side of heaven. That said, God designed us to be
relational creatures, and to not just suffer through relationship
with others, but to live in joy and abundance.
What do you long for right now in your relationships? I recently
traveled for summer vacation and a memory popped into my head of
waiting for someone at the airport one day long ago. It had been a
long time since our last meeting, and I remember the feeling that it
didn’t matter what they wore, how they looked, how tired they may
be, etc. All that mattered was being together. It was a “coming
home” kind of feeling. At the end of the day, it is important to
find relationships that can encourage and accept us as we are, while
challenging us to become the best we can be.
Photograph by Ben White, courtesy of StockSnap
.jpg)
