Dumb Ways to Die

(I actually wrote this post awhile back, but I have found myself on both sides of the foot-in-mouth situation lately in touchy situations of my own life or that of others, and for some reason it seemed timely and the concept just struck my funny bone again. I am struck by the similarities of giving birth and sending a kid to college. Maybe you process your stuff with humor as my household does or maybe it will strike a nerve in you somewhere. Either way, I invite you to take it to prayer and ask God what He thinks about the topic.)

 There's a phrase out there that I'm sure we've all heard. There is even a song out there that makes a parody of it. The phrase is, "dumb ways to die." We all know what it means, I don't think it needs any explanation, but I think it came about largely because some things are so obvious and yet get repeated generation after generation, in all walks of life, that are so classic, in this case classically thoughtless, that we actually make songs about it. And usually doing one of said things results in bad things, whatever that may be in any given circumstance. 

For the sake of illustration, labor pains strike me as the most universal experience and illustration. Scripture talks about the labor pains that the earth, and everything in it, will experience as we get closer to the end, as we go through the difficulties of life. Both in nature and in Scripture, the pains increase in both duration and intensity with time, and they are fundamental to the human condition. 

What is unique about the "labor" pains that Scripture discusses is that we often can't see that someone is actually in "labor." So, when we speak to them, it may sometimes seem like just another ordinary day in our own eyes, but another person may be about to deliver a baby, and we may not even know. It's an instant recipe for disaster, either conversationally or relationally. Either way, our words have the potential to be "dumb ways to die," in layman's terms.

Some examples of things you wouldn't say to a woman in actual physical labor:

Wow, that looks like it hurts! 

(Interrupting a contraction to say...) That is just like the situation with my Aunt Bessie! You wouldn't believe all that she went through, let me tell you ALL about it!...

Oh, I've seen this before! I know exactly how this will go and exactly how you should do this.

Do you know how you got into this situation to begin with, dear?

Oh, it looks like you spilled some water, sweetie. You might want to clean that up before somebody slips and falls.

You've gained some weight lately and your clothes don't fit so well right now. I know just what you need...

(...or just choose to look the other way, pretending not to see, and step away slowly...)  

"Here, just move over and let me do it."

"You got this! You don't need anybody! It's just you and Jesus!"

"Pain is just part of life."

....

....dumb, dumb ways to die.

The woman is the only one who can give birth to that particular child, and her situation will be unique in a sense, but we all know she needs help (as do we), though she may not need specific help. For example, she can't choose which doctor will be on call when she goes into labor, but she will definitely need help. And when she gives birth, she may know that fact intellectually, she may have filled out all the paperwork, she may have visited all the other doctors in the practice, she may have made peace with it all, or she may have made an iron-clad birth plan ahead of time that allows for no exceptions. But she might not be too concerned about how rational her feelings are when she's dilated to ten and that baby's head is actually crowning. Suddenly, none of that can matter in the blink of an eye. 

So, what alternatives might actually be helpful?

Mostly likely, to start with a simple question, "how are you doing?" Or "how can I help?" Coupled with a listening ear, maybe even just start with the listening ear. How hard this can be in our desire to help! And how deeply our own worries and wounds can dispel clarity in that moment. 

There is a time and place for offering advice, but we typically can't do that well until we have clarified the problem at hand and we know where someone is at in the process of dealing with it already. And generally, before laying a hand on the woman or the situation, I'm going to hazard a quick guess that it's a good idea to ask first if it's even welcome. Otherwise, we could pull back a stump...

Sometimes we can do or say all the right things and it is just something going on within the other person. But either way, before we say a word, prayer for discernment is always a good first step, as is just generally taking time to slow things down so we don't miss something important. 

I wish you well in your own helping journey...I will pray for you. Please pray for me, too. 

Peace be with you.

--Stumpy

"let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger" James 1:19b NRSVCEⁱ

iNew Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition. Bible Gateway, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James%201%3A19&version=NRSVCE. Accessed 21 February. 2025

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