You want to take a photo right now??

Recently, I sat across from her over dinner in a busy restaurant, listening to a lovely friend talking about different aspects of her life, the good, the bad, the ups and downs. I watched the way my kids quickly became friends with her. They remember her as being really fun! I admired her skills in her line of work, as she talked about her recent job. She really lit up as she spoke about her own kids. She has a beauty that God created in her to uniquely bear to the world. She has a particular way of viewing this world that no one else has. She has a great smile and a sense of humor that are perfectly "her." 

But I noticed something over the course of the conversation...the little ways that she didn't realize her own worth, because life has not been easy on her over the past several years, and the difficulties have taken a toll over time, as they would on anyone in her shoes.

It took everything in me to keep my thoughts to myself in that moment, for fear the tears would finally spill forth and never stop. It hurt deeply to see another person not fully realize all that they are, in a moment so fresh with the loss of another life so dear to me. And when we asked to take her picture before leaving, she shied away from the camera because of a bad sunburn. I can assure you from the depths of my heart, I have never loved a friend less because of a sunburn, even if their eyes were to swell shut! I'd still want a photo, because even a sunburn can't hide the beautiful smile and essence of our loved ones. 

My friend is beautiful. She has been through some tough stuff. She has heard words she can't forget. There are things about herself she would like to change, but like all of us, she's a work in progress, and the world is definitely a better place because she is in it.

But I can't judge. Because somewhere in that conversation, I realized I was looking into a mirror. God also made me and said I am "very good." I've been through tough stuff. I've heard words I can't forget. There are things about myself I'd like to change. Like everyone else, I'm a work in progress, and the world is a better place because I'm in it. How do I know that? Because God says so in every page of the love letter He wrote to the world, the Bible, and to each person in particular. 

When I was at my mom's house recently, it was following a pretty tough couple of years. My husband pushing life to the brink during COVID. Losing my mom. Losing some beloved friends over things that are passing away, but divided us nonetheless. Shutdowns and things that have never returned to my church life, post-pandemic. After a while, it's easy to forget the good things in life, too.

While I was going through my mom's things recently, so many little things came to light. Years of memories were renewed as I went through box after box of photos. Things said, memories made, the way life felt at various points in time. I was not baptized until age 14, and it was very interesting to look at the family photos again after many years, because I had a distinctly different feeling looking at pictures before that event and after it. While there was a smile on my face before, along with some happy memories at times, afterward, there was an abiding joy, even in the hard and dark times to follow. That joy never completely went away, through all those later photos, no matter the happening or the memory attached, good times or bad. No matter what anyone thought, said, or did, or whatever they didn't think or say or do. Mom noticed a distinct change in me, too. The other new people in those photos, after my baptism, they had that same light and joy inside them, too. And to that joy was later added a deep courage, after my Confirmation and First Eucharist many years later.

Not all my life memories were good. There were some very, very difficult ones as well. Words said, events that happened that tore through the fabric of my being.

Interestingly, I didn't keep only the good photos. I am keeping the bad ones, too. I kept all kinds of photos of my mom, every nuance, expression, the good and the bad. I want to remember it all, because all those things add up to who I am today, and in order to move forward, we also have to know where we come from, where we've been. We can't skip chapters, memories, or the words spoken, the deeds done. We can only face them as they are, take responsibility for the parts that belong to us personally, and let the love of God into them, to wash and to redeem and to breathe new life into them once again. And thank God that we were even given life to begin with.

Then...I opened another box. It was full of old letters. I did not read the vast majority of them, only a few that I felt would be safe to read without compromising anyone's confidentiality. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Among those that I did read was one of the most beautiful love letters I have ever read. She deeply impacted that particular person's life and they took a few moments to compose their thoughts and send them along to her. 

I sat looking at that letter, with some of those hard words I'd heard growing up, from one adult in particular, still sifting through my own thoughts. Somehow I always felt like the black sheep of the family. I did not have my mom's personality, the personality that seemed so beloved. God gave me different gifts, gifts that I often struggled to see as useful or worthy, gifts that at times garnered criticism from those who did not understand them. Yet, they, too, are from the hand of God. And just like my mom, both of us have had to work on developing those gifts over time, through trial and error. Both gifts come with strengths and weaknesses. We both had good, healthy friendships and a dose of detractors and unhealthy friendships. We both had good years and bad years, ways that we could understand each other and ways that we would never understand each other, times when we each felt insecure or alone as well as times of great joy and blessing. We're both human. We're both deeply loved by Love Himself.

I believe with all my heart that my mom is in heaven. Was she perfect at the end? No. She still had things to work on. Did she ever make huge mistakes that impacted the lives of those around her? Absolutely. But that's the interesting thing about those in heaven. They are there for one reason and one reason alone - the grace of God in their life. Because without Him, we'd all be in the ditch, every single one of us. Hell is a choice. The difference between the saint and the sinner is whether or not we cooperate with that grace or not. That's it. As Oscar Wilde once said, "Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."

At the end of my week in her home, as I was finishing up around the house, I came upon her Bible study journal. And I found where she scrawled something to the effect of "be yourself." 

It doesn't matter who you are, what you've done or not done, what gifts God gave you or didn't give you. All you have in life is the gift of yourself, and the gift of God's grace - He's ready and waiting to redeem anything needing a fresh start, and to grow within you the beauty of an eternal love, to bring life and joy to everyone around you. He sees you as a matchless treasure to be given to a world in need of your particular gifts and beauty.

And my friend? I totally got her photo! (willingly) And I'm a mighty proud friend! 

(...patience is a virtue...and a big mouth can move things along when patience won't!...)

Once I got home...while sorting through my mom's things, trying to find a place for them in my own home, I happened upon something else. My own box of love letters, and I don't mean the romantic kind. Letters I had forgotten even existed. I suspect we all have one somewhere. And if you don't or you can't remember where they are, God Himself is longing for you to read His. And then, to open your gifts, and to share them with the world.

Peace be with you.

K

"The spirit of the Lord God is upon me
because the Lord has anointed me;
he has sent me to bring good news to the oppressed,
to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives
and release to the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
to provide for those who mourn in Zion -
to give them a garland instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the mantle of praise instead of a faint spirit.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, to display his glory.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations."

- Isaiah 61:1-4 NRSVCE

photo: courtesy of Elliott Chau, stocksnap.io