Ever Want to Throat Punch the Next Person Who Mentions St. Monica?

It's been a rough day all the way around. I went to Mass this morning, hoping desperately to escape all the questions that sit on my chest like a elephant on steroids and swirl around my mind begging for answers. 

No. Such. Luck.

See, in the Catholic world, today is the Feast of St. Monica. It is one of the many days on the calendar that we celebrate the life of one of the great heroes of our faith, one of the many in the cloud of witnesses cheering us on to the end (Hebrews 12:1). And of all the saints, St. Monica annoys me the most. Because we are all annoyed to some degree by the person most like us. And no, I don't refer to myself as being like the Saint, St. Monica, but like the raw material long before she became a great Saint in our Church's Tradition, the part where she was still stuck in the sandpaper-lined vice of life.

She was known for her longsuffering in praying for her wayward husband and son to come to the faith. I. Am. Not. I will pray for a long time, but after awhile, I don't suffer so well. I get cranky. And vocal. And irritable to be around. After awhile, I just want to throw in the towel. And today...no one would let me. Nope. They ALL wanted to talk about St. Monica until I got to the point I thought I would throat punch the next person who said her name. Yes, I pray like crazy for those that are far from Christ, but today I had a very special intention on my heart, for a person whose faith affects mine in so many ways. This person is not a family member or someone I would even call a friend, but someone who affects me nonetheless in some profound ways. And those are the hardest people to pray for, because frankly, it's just not fair!! They should be...and there is my problem.

While I am sitting here bearing the consequences of a lot of their frustrating ways, they are going about their merry way oblivious, or seemingly so. Maybe it's just a good act. I've seen that act before. Many times. And I know my God. He will only allow this monkey business for so long. And He is infinitely more creative than I am. His will be done.

But here's the beef...I can't change this person. I can write. I can ask. I can cajole. I can even ask someone with more clout to finally speak up (all of the things St. Monica did), but until God softens their heart, it will not do one bit of good. And here's the rub. 

It isn't really about this person. It is about God. I'm ticked. Because life is just not going my way and I'm just done. I'm tired of life getting flipped upside down every other year. But as I learned tonight about St. Monica, when I finally quit being a total mule and just looked her up, sadly, to try to prove I was right after all!!! (for more, read https://spiritualdirection.com/2019/11/13/the-cry-of-st-monica) I learned that hard lesson that she also had to learn...

My own faith is being tested and strengthened as well. I know this. I am just not happy about it. Deep within I know that the only thing I can do is love this person and give it all to God. Can I share my feelings with them on occasion? Yes. Do I? You bet. Do I have to stay in the way and continue to get hurt by their ways? Absolutely not. And that last bit has been the hardest to learn. But I can not win this by pleasing, compromising, or by authority. Only God can change a heart like that. Only He can do the kind of work within them that is really needed. Anything else would just be exterior compliance. And I am called to simply love God and others and do the best I can with what I have to work with each day (which doesn't feel like much, but with God will be more than enough.) And as I was reminded today, God is never outdone in generosity. It will be okay one way or another. It was actually just a few months ago that I personally witnessed a small turnaround in someone I once knew. And while I may never personally hear any apology, to see the fruit of that change is an encouragement in itself. So, we never really know when the fruit of our prayers may be just around the bend.

I don't know what the answer is. Some days we are called to speak up and press on and sometimes all we can do is walk away and pray for the person until God changes their hearts. Painful? You bet. Frustrating? You have no idea (or maybe you do). But in the end, I know God's way will be best. And in the meantime, He just wants to love our own hearts in the waiting. Some days God just wants to know that we love Him more than the gifts He gives us, and maybe that's the whole point. But in the time between now and when the resolution finally comes, let's just say, I'll be taking a lot of long walks. 

Photo Credit: it's me neosiam; stocksnap.io