Mothers Group Reflection #41: Can You Love Without the “Should”?
“The hope of
the righteous ends in gladness,
but the
expectation of the wicked comes to nothing.
- Proverbs 10:28
NRSVCE
That
situation really should have gone differently. That family
member should have loved me. Our church leaders should
have treated all their spiritual children with dignity. That person
should have told me the truth. Have you ever heard yourself
silently (or vocally) saying any of these statements? It’s not easy
to admit, but I’m guessing I’m not alone or that this list is
anywhere near complete.
Probably
because I have heard a litany of those statements pointed right at
myself over the years, too… “you shouldn’t have asked
for what you needed,” “you should cook this way,” “you
should buy this instead,” “you shouldn’t wear
that,” “you should do that this way,” “you should
color within the lines,” “you should get your degree,”
“you shouldn’t expect that bad things won’t happen to
you.” This list could fill a book. And I would be willing to bet
that every single one of you have this same book on your own shelf at
home. And many people probably filled it, maybe even yourself.
The
one that scares me the most? You “should always/never...”
I’m not saying that anyone is above redemption, but I have learned
to put a little space with a person when I hear this statement more
than just occasionally, simply to protect myself from possible
asphyxiation.
I
have been thinking a lot lately about what true love looks like and
I’d like to dig a little deeper into the idea of expectations. I
think a lot of our own relationship problems begin and end with our
own expectations. But I think the bigger problem, beyond just mere
expectations, is that too often we love with a “should” attached.
We can easily expect that things “should” go a different
way...our way. And, at times, we may take little account of anything
else. I admit this has been a struggle for me, too, because in a
perfect world, everyone would truly love one another, treat each
other with dignity, etc. But all too often, that doesn’t happen,
and then what?
I
think it is more than reasonable to request that others treat us
decently, that our spouse will not abuse us, that our church leaders
will not harm us, that we will have a relative level of emotional,
spiritual and physical safety in our relationships, etc. And I
certainly advocate for healthy boundaries and corrective measures
when those things are lacking. But I think the problem comes into the
word “expect.” While I would not stay in any relationship that
was a continual source of harm to me, how do we find that sweet spot
of not “expecting,” yet keeping ourselves from harm?
I
think it all comes down to this...we hope. As I think of the
Scriptures, I don’t recall the word “expectations” being thrown
around a lot when it comes to others. But I do see the word hope, a
lot. God calls us to hope and to trust in Him. And when I found
Proverbs 10:28, it caused me to pause. I think the problem comes in
when we allow our hope to wane, and allow our expectations to
fossilize into a demand, a “must” or a “should.” At that
point, we have put into place what psychology calls “unenforceable
rules.” We can set internal rules for how we expect things will go
in our relationships and hold others to those rules, or worse, seek
to punish the offender when they don’t hold to our own personal
internal rules.
God
Himself gives us free will and He respects that. He is a gentleman
and He does not force His way into our hearts. Yet, even He seems to
have expectations, otherwise known as the Ten Commandments. Yet, if
the presence of heaven and hell are any indication, I’d say it is
not so much that He expects, but that He hopes. He hopes that we will
choose Him. He desires us more than we can imagine, He pursues our
souls, He loves us with complete abandonment and tender mercy, and
yet, the choice is ours. We can choose to break His heart and reject
Him, permanently, if we wish. But I notice something else about God.
While He deeply desires that we choose Him, He allows us to choose
something else, and to also suffer the consequences of our own
actions. He hopes, but He does not demand or force. He lets us
choose, and sow what we reap at times.
And
I think we can take a cue from this. Because often, we can go to the
other extreme of not even daring to hope. We can think we are stuck
at the other end of the spectrum, the place where we have become
someone’s doormat, and we can feel completely helpless. I think the
issue in this direction is that often we are too afraid to let others
live with the consequences of their own actions, or to take prudent
action ourselves. The best image that comes to mind at the moment is
“helicopter parenting.” You know, the parent who swoops in and
rescues their child before they even have a chance to fall and try to
get back up again, in order to learn from their mistakes or trips and
falls. We can allow our emotions to convince us that it would be
“mean” to let them suffer in any way at all, so we suffer
instead, for things that are not actually our responsibility, nor are
they things God is calling us to bear. There is a big difference
between bearing patiently with another’s issues while accompanying
them in their journey, versus personally carrying those issues for
them, while letting those issues continue to harm our own lives, as
they continue down a destructive path oblivious to the damage they
are inflicting to everyone around them. Drug addiction comes to mind
as an extreme example, but the issues can be diverse, whether small
or large.
At
the end of the day, we are called to balance, to that sweet spot of
loving others with an open hand full of hope and regardless of their
choices, yet not silently allowing them to harm our dignity or their
own by our lack of prudent action. And that is a daily challenge,
because I think at the crux of it, we are often just afraid of loss,
pain or rejection. And that is what all of this is really about. When
we begin to “expect” that things “should” go a different way
or that someone will treat us a different way, we are doomed to
misery, because ultimately, we are only responsible for ourselves.
And letting go of a dream of how things could or “should” have
gone, is really, really hard. But I also know we have a really,
really amazing God, and often, in the middle of those losses, one of
two things usually happens. He gives us Himself in a much deeper way,
or He blesses us with something even better, just maybe not in the
way we had hoped, because hope in God never disappoints.
In
closing, I’d like to share with you an alternative way. I was at an
event recently when a good friend, we’ll call this person Jane,
came over and struck up a conversation. I was sharing about my
holiday plans of this and that. I had been invited over to another
friend’s home in order to learn a new skill. As I was explaining
all of this fun we had planned, Jane looked at me with a true joy at
the plans I had made and wanted to know more. There was not a trace
of possessiveness, envy or insecurity at the time I planned with the
other friend, but a pure joy at all that God was doing in my life as
I developed all of my relationships. And I remember pausing a moment
internally and just thanking God for good friends. Because I felt
something open up within my soul in that moment, a freedom and
expansion that allows space for all the wonderful people that God has
brought into my life. The end result was that it greatly strengthened
my relationship with Jane and the desire to make time for her, too.
Had she clung in any way, or sulked, or tried to punish me for my use
of time in any way (yes, this happens in life, people are difficult)
I realized I would have unconsciously closed off and distanced. We
all need that freedom in order to truly experience, give and receive,
and to choose to love. Because the alternative is control and
unhappiness or manipulation for all involved. And if we truly want to
give and receive love, the only way is to hope and to let go
and to wait, because without free will, there can be no true love.
“Love is
patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or
rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or
resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the
truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things. Love never ends...And now faith, hope, and love
abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.”
- 1 Corinthians
13:4-8a, 13 NRSVCE
Questions for
further reflection:
Where do you find
the “should’s” in your own life? What do you think those
statements point to underneath? What is one area in your life where
your expectations have solidified into “should’s” that you can
entrust to God this week and replace it with His Words of hope
instead?
Verse for the
week:
“Therefore,
since we are justified by faith, we have peace with God through our
Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have obtained access to this grace
in which we stand; and we boast in our hope of sharing the glory of
God. And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing
that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character,
and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because
God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirt
that has been given to us.” - Romans 5:1-5 NRSVCE
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