Here I am, Now I’m Not

I have long lived with a quandary as I read the Gospels in Scripture. I have been looking deeply at many things about Jesus. Who exactly was He? What was His personality like? Why did He do some of the seemingly strange things that He did? In particular, what’s with the sudden appearances and disappearances after the resurrection? It seems to say, “Catch me if you can!” I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to be around people who play mind games. I will only tolerate so much before I just walk away if it doesn’t stop. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I will love people, I will be present. I will NOT play games. If I’m aware of it, I will call it out and get to the bottom of it quickly no matter what your rank in life. Life is just too short for stuff like that.

There are many, many things I could say on this topic, so I’m not going to try to get into it all here. I think I could write a book on my findings and may do so someday, but I’d like to focus on one particular scene that really struck me recently in my quiet time with Jesus.

As I’ve grown in my relationship with Jesus and learned a lot about myself and relating to others, as I’ve learned to really, deeply trust Him and His love, I’m realizing how much my old views colored my vision of these post-resurrection scenes and how much adjustment I needed to make. It is really easy to view Jesus through the lens of human relationships, and our past interactions can really affect the way we will interpret various scenes in His life.

One thing I have learned to trust is that, “there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18 NRSVCE). When we truly experience God’s love and can see it for what it is, we no longer need to grasp or cling, we can rest in peace and receptivity and sheer gratitude just to be alive, in this moment, with those around us. We rest.

The scene that draws me today is from the Gospel of John 20: 11-18 NRSVCE:

“But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb. As she wept she bent over to look into the tomb; and she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had been lying, one at the head and the other at the feet. They said to her, ‘Woman, why are you weeping?’ She said to them, ‘They have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him.’ When she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, ‘Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?’ Supposing him to be the gardener, she said to him, ‘Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away.’ Jesus said to her, ‘Mary!’ She turned and said to him in Hebrew, ‘Rabbouni!’ (which means Teacher). Jesus said to her, ‘Do not hold on to me, because I have not yet ascended to the Father. But go to my brothers and say to them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’” Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples, ‘I have seen the Lord’; and she told them that he had said these things to her.”

Mary Magdalene is so full of grief until she hears her name and recognizes Jesus, and what is the first thing He says to her?

“Do not hold on to me.”

Seriously?! Do not hold on to me? He was just raised from the dead and she was so sick with grief and overcome with relief at His resurrected presence and He says, “Do not hold on to me”? And oh, by the way, I’m about to leave again? Can we just get a hug and have a minute to wrap our little minds around all of this?

Yet, just a verse later she is running off to tell the disciples that Jesus is alive. How did this scene shift so quickly? I don’t know about you, but I think I’d have a few things to say in that moment and not be put off so easily. So, what happened? With all the sudden appearances and disappearances of Jesus after the resurrection, it can look a little confusing. Yet, over and over Jesus was telling His disciples what to expect before everything even took place. He reassures them, He wants them to know what is going to happen so that afterward, they will understand it all. He treats them as His closest friends and expresses deep love. But, if some of your human relationships have left something to be desired, it can be really hard to see this at first.

Mary loved Jesus so much that she first clings to Him. So what makes her suddenly run with joy to tell the disciples of His resurrection? If Jesus had pushed her away in any sense, in a way, scolding her, she likely wouldn’t have reacted this way. She would have instinctively clung more. That’s human nature. Our relationships are like a dance, with a little push and pull to them (or sometimes a lot, when things aren’t so healthy). When one person backs up, the other instinctively moves closer. Sometimes that goes in the other direction. The other thing is, she was the first person He appeared to after His resurrection. Clearly, she wasn’t an oversight or the last on a long list of visits. And she recognized Him when He said her name.  

I have a feeling that this scene probably went something more like the following...Jesus hugged her, let her cling just a moment in her relief. He probably looked at her with His customary piercing gaze, full of complete love, as only God can convey it, a love that had just conquered death. Then, with a gentle, yet ardent urging, His words meant something more like this... “Let’s get to work to tell the others so that they, too, can experience this joy and fullness.” With her heart so complete and at rest, her needs met, she raced off on her mission, full of enthusiasm and probably still reeling with a little disbelief.

His going to the Father was going to allow Him to be with her always in the form of the Holy Spirit and in the sacraments. He wasn’t going anywhere. He was actually trying to draw closer, but in order for that to happen, she would have to learn to look for Him in a new way.