Mothers Group Reflection #20: Bless Them, Change Me: The Story of the Older Son

I was recently rereading the story of the Prodigal Son and suddenly, after many years of meditating on this story, another light came on inside. I don’t know which character you relate to most, but today, I’m talking more to the older brother types. If you can’t relate, hang in there anyway, maybe you’ll find something new, as I did.

I’m sure at one time or another we have been in the place of either brother, but for some reason, it just seems really tough to be the older brother in this story. I guess because the story doesn’t have an ending for him. It is left open to interpretation. What did he decide? Did he embrace the lost brother who had returned or continue on in his pride and cling to his “rights”? And what was he thinking after his father’s appeal and what did he ultimately choose? Was it a decision right away or did he waffle back and forth for awhile, sometimes forgiving and other times holding back again for awhile? I suppose these questions could rightly be asked of either son. It takes time and courage to change ingrained habits.

I have read and reread this story many, many times over the years and at times I have really struggled with it, but I realized the other day that I might be missing a few key facts in my quest to understand the father’s response. What strikes me at the moment is the justice of the father. At different times I have seen him in different perspectives, even as a bit of a pushover (sorry, I have to be honest). One thing I have learned in my personal life this year is that God is just. Yes, sometimes it may not seem so. Unjust situations may go on for what seems like an eternity, but only because God sees things that we do not. I don’t always know what those things are. Sometimes I need to learn something before He can deal with a situation, sometimes the other person does. Sometimes we may never know. However, many times in the past year, I have seen God deal with things. Justly. He is slow to anger, abounding in love and wishing that not one may be lost, but that does not mean He does not also see and reward our sufferings or, at other times, even allow us to live with the consequences of our choices.

So, back to the story. You can find it in Luke 15:11-32. For the sake of space, I will not repeat it all here, but I highly encourage you to reread it. We all know the story on the surface and maybe the ways we have always interpreted it, and I’m sure there are many ways to look at it all. The prodigal son asked for his share of the inheritance that he would later receive and his father granted his request. He allowed the son to take it, leave, and squander it on immoral living. I can imagine the father’s pain at his son’s request, and maybe the many conversations that might have occurred first as he tried to talk sense into his son. I have a hard time believing he just immediately gave his son this money, that the son just suddenly developed a change in character, but we will never know those details.

As I read it again this time, I see something new though. Sometimes I think it can be tempting to see the father through the lens of fallen humanity, rather than as the perfect God and Father we have in heaven. In reality, our families can have the tendency to be dysfunctional because of the effects of sin and concupiscence. The prodigal son asked for his share of the property that he would later inherit. He did not receive what belonged rightfully to the other brother. He only received his own portion.

What stands out to me is what happens next. The father doesn’t leave to follow his son. He doesn’t run around after his son, begging and pleading with the son to come to his senses. He doesn’t clean up his messes behind him as his son continues to make one wrong choice after another. He doesn’t offer him more of the family resources to keep spending wrongly when he squanders the first portion, in other words, he doesn’t rescue and enable him from his own bad decisions while his son is being rebellious. The party came AFTER the repentance, not in the midst of immoral living. The father was not celebrating immoral living, yet He loves his son, no doubt. It seems he had spent a lifetime loving these two sons and seeking their good. I imagine he poured his heart and soul into daily prayer for this son, and when this beloved son finally came to his senses and returned, he ran to meet him!

God is not a pushover. He is honest. He is loving and good. He is patient and kind. He gives us every chance to do the right thing, but He is also just and will allow us to eat the fruits of our ways, whether that is great blessing or the longing for the pigs pods so that we will come to our senses before it is too late. Either way, He shows great mercy. And when the son returned, the father forgave all and quickly assembled a party to celebrate the return of this lost son and the change of heart. As we should. Any change of heart should be celebrated!

Then comes the older son. What the older son forgets is that the father was always with him. The older son always had all that he needed and great blessings from staying where he was. We all have the temptation to do wrong and he may have felt a little miffed that the other brother got to live it up and then be “rewarded.” Yet, as all of us who have ever committed sin know, it has long lasting effects at times. This prodigal brother, although forgiven and embraced, was likely to live with ugly memories and the lingering effects of his choices for awhile to come. He needed compassion and love. The older brother never left the embrace and care of his father. He had all he needed, plus the freedom that comes from right living. Until he decided to not forgive. And hopefully, he was persuaded to do so and continue on a good path, as before. The father had stayed with him, saying, “all I have is yours.” He had not given what belonged to the older brother. It was the older brother who was unjust in refusing to forgive his prodigal brother.

I think it is also easy to forget that God has unlimited resources, so even when the prodigal was restored, if He gave him a new inheritance, it was because God is so abundant that there is always more. In the human economy, we have limited resources and so this would be a great injustice to give the son who threw it all away a new part of the inheritance from the share of the older brother who did not squander his share, but that would be to see this through human eyes, not the eyes of God. God’s blessing on another’s life never in any way diminishes His blessing on our own lives, it only multiplies the joy and abundance. There is no such thing as “just enough” with God.

Furthermore, I noticed this week that both brothers, though so different in how they lived their lives, were relating to the father only for what he could give them, and not for the love of the father just in and of himself. Ironically, they were two sides of the same coin. There is a theme of service and payment for it in both stories, of seeking to earn the father’s provision. The younger brother asked for his inheritance and squandered it, then returned home asking only to be treated as a hired worker. He believed that because of his sins he had lost his position as his father’s son. He began rehearsing what to say to his father so that he might earn his father’s favor. The older brother was only focused on what he felt he had somehow been cheated out of. His complaint was that in all his years of obedient service, his father had not even given him a young goat, let alone killed the fattened calf. Yet, I noticed today that he also never even asked (James 4:2-3). Both sons failed to appreciate the loving presence of the father in their lives and to understand that he always had their best interest at heart. They were both trying to earn his love, one by having the right words of apology and offering to become a servant, the other by his lifelong service and obedience. At the end of the day, the father simply longed for them both to come to the feast and receive his love.

I recall a time in my life when I was struggling mightily with a very unjust situation that felt very overwhelming to me and someone taught me a phrase that, to be honest, I hated at first. The phrase she asked me to pray was, “Bless them, change me.” This felt like a cop-out of epic proportions in the heat of the moment. And I dug in my heels for awhile and resented it. Thankfully, God was not content to leave me in that spot. While I still struggle at times, this phrase has become one of my favorite prayers and has opened up a channel of God’s grace that I might not have found otherwise.

The people who are often struggling to get it together in life are the people who probably need our prayers and love the most. How do I know? Because I’ve spent my fair share of time as the prodigal, too. Maybe that person is even yourself, and if so, I offer my prayers for your situation today. I admit, at first, I saw this phrase, “change me” as a call to be a doormat or an enabler and to give in. That is not so. To do so might enable a bad situation. To ask for blessing on someone’s life is to ask for the very ingredients they need to live the life of fulness that God always intended for them. It is to ask for the things that will fill the hole they may have inside, that will satisfy them with what is good, and to heal the wounds they may carry that cause them to run from truth. It is to recognize that we all have struggles in life and all of us need the loving forgiveness of our Father in heaven. We have all sinned and rejected God’s love in various ways.

To ask God to “change me” is to have my own vision corrected so I can appreciate that truth. To be able to see all that those of us having an “older brother” moment have been given in life, and to thank and praise God for those blessings. To see that He was always there with me, and it helps me to grow in patience, even if it requires boundaries for safety or to not enable, while I wait for Him to do His work in the life of another. It is to forgive for the health of my soul and so I can be all that God created me to be, regardless of whether the other person ever sees the light. It is to possess a merciful and compassionate heart that can be open to the movements of the Holy Spirit, to love even those who cause me pain, and to will their good. To have compassion for them in their own life struggles, walking with them in whatever ways God calls me, if it is for their ultimate good.

I think there is so much food for thought in this story as we continue through Lent. As we continue on our journey, we are encouraged to release what is holding us back from love of God and others. So, how about you? What parts of this story present a struggle for you during this Lent? Do you ever struggle to let go of a hurt or a difficult life situation? Do you find yourself trying to earn God’s love somehow? Which character to you relate to most right now? How can you personally apply the prayer “Bless them, change me?”

Verse for the week:

“Then the father said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. But we had to celebrate and rejoice, because this brother of yours was dead and has come to life; he was lost and has been found.” Luke 15:32 NRSVCE