The Art of Hospitality

When I was growing up, hosting guests in our home was a big event. The house would be turned upside down and every nook and cranny cleaned in anticipation of their arrival. This was a tradition passed down from my grandmother, and most likely, from her mother before her. This was a wonderful tradition in its time and I look back on the excitement and anticipation of the arrival of these guests.

Times seem to have changed quite a bit though. Now, many moms are working. Those of us who are home with our kids full time are faced with many challenges unknown to our grandmothers and maybe even our mothers, in many cases. For starters, many moms now work outside the home. Our society is much more mobile and it is quickly becoming the norm to live very far from the relatives and friends we grew up with. I hear a common complaint pointed at my generation in this area of the country, that we are not involved enough in our kids schools, we often don’t want to volunteer for anything like Vacation Bible School, etc. The list goes on and on. What I find missing from this argument is a long, hard look at the reality of the modern mother, and the area in which we live, in particular.

We live in a very mobile community. In the three years I have lived here, I have said good bye to numerous friends already and I find it very difficult to find a good support system for this very reason. Just as I’m getting comfortable enough to ask for help, someone is leaving for the next job opportunity. Companies in this generation lack the ability to see the good of the family and the need for stability, opting instead to focus on the bottom line, at all costs.

This comes with a very great cost to mothers, in particular. We quickly find ourselves isolated, lonely and exhausted as we try to wear too many hats at once...hats that likely would have been worn by multiple people in past generations, and we wonder why were are so worn out, and as a nation, spending more and more money on things like therapy and medications to treat things like depression and anxiety. We have lost something in all this mobility, the support of friends and family, and at times, we just have nothing left to give to volunteer activities, friendships and the like. Our marriages become strained under the weight of it just being “the two of us” in a new city every few years. Not to mention the expectations we place on ourselves to always look like we have it all together, thanks to the constant barrage of images of everyone else’s perfect moment on social media, the image that only tells part of the story.

I was talking to a friend awhile back, and as we compared notes on this topic, she lamented that as important as friendships are, sometimes she also just needs to stay home and fold the laundry that has been sitting there for too long. I can relate.

This topic has long been on my mind and in my heart. I look at other cultures, ones who have far less than we do financially, and I wonder what they have that we are missing. While they lack many of our material advantages, they seem to have very deep relationships. I imagine mostly because of their long-held roots within one community. Yet, I think we can learn from them, even within our fast-paced society. While we are very wealthy in this country in many ways, St. Theresa of Calcutta once noted that we also struggle from great poverty, it is the poverty of loneliness. As she stated it, "The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love. The poverty in the West is a different kind of poverty - it is not only a poverty of loneliness but also of spirituality. There's a hunger for love, as there is a hunger for God." (excerpt from A simple Path: Mother Teresa)

While our exhaustion is understandable, I think it is risky to allow our busyness to become an excuse to keep us from developing those relationships we need, and from caring for the needs of others around us. I remember the words of my pastor, spoken at our wedding, which seem applicable to many relationships. He said that when we walk together, our sorrows will be halved and our joys will be multiplied. Jesus did not intend for us to do life alone. The early church was very community-oriented. I also see this concept in the book of Ecclesiastes, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NRSVCE)

I wonder if we simply need to readjust our vision and expectations of friendship and hospitality. For starters, letting go of the expectations of a “perfect” house and maybe just spending the day together folding laundry, weeding the garden, painting a room together, or maybe even sharing our baking, and letting friendship naturally build around our everyday activities. At times, we may not have the time we would like to go out for coffee or dinner, etc. Yet, housework still has to get done. Maybe we could work together on these chores and share a cup of coffee over those piles of laundry (maybe those two things don’t quite mix, but you get the drift).

Secondly, I have learned, with time, a deeper understanding of hospitality. Where I used to think it was about having my house perfectly in order or having the perfect activities planned, I now know it is something deeper, that has brought a lot of richness to my life, thanks to the advice of a beloved spiritual director from my hometown.

As he explained it, hospitality is an attitude, not an event. It can be practiced in any situation, even the waiting room at the auto repair shop. It is simply an open space that we allow within ourselves so that the person in front of us has a little room to come into our “space.” It begins with a little vulnerability and openness on our part. Yet, it is also a give and take in our conversations, a willingness to tolerate the awkwardness of silence at times, in order to draw out the other person. Many people, like myself, are very introverted. We have some really great things to share, but we need a little space and quiet in order to gather our thoughts and the courage needed to put them out there. As a society, we can be so afraid of this silence that we rush to fill it with anything. In reality, often all that is needed, is to simply sit with our emotions a moment, letting the need to speak or the anxiety induced by the quiet pass over us. And we may be pleasantly surprised at the result...the deeper connections we were looking for all along.

I admit, I flopped in this very thing this week. A sweet friend was trying to share from her heart and my own need to “fix” took over. What was probably needed most was that awkward silence, the space to let her process her pain within the safety of relationship.

In closing, I’m sure there are many, many reasons for our isolation in this day and age. Everything from too much time on social media to the demands of work and home to just plain fear of silence and saying yes to too many distractions that keep us from quality relationships. Sometimes we can be afraid to just “be,” with others. So, I’m curious...what things are you currently struggling with as you seek to develop friendships within your faith? How have you overcome these struggles in the past or what ideas do you have at the moment that could allow for more quality time with friends? What is one small way you could reach out to a friend this week?