Mothers Group Reflection #9: Love of Being Forgotten

“Humility is the safeguard of chastity. In the matter of purity, there is no greater danger than not fearing the danger.” - St. Philip Neri

I have to confess something. As the school year began, I was really letting what others say to or about me get to me and sometimes I did not have the most loving response as a result. To be fair, the comments were pretty tough. I often found myself in religious conversations, and as I am seeking to have deeper and more open relationships with others, you can imagine how those conversations were going now that the “mask” is off and our differences are really showing. This is both a blessing and a curse some days. But, as I was going about my day during this time period, I ran across Luke 6:26, which says, “Woe to you when all speak well of you, for that is what their ancestors did to the false prophets.” Point taken. I remembered something important that I learned sometime during the difficult days of my conversion to Catholicism...if everyone agrees with you, you aren’t doing life right. If everyone always agrees with me, I have to stop and ask myself if I’ve fallen into old ways of being a “pleaser.”

Which brings me to the point of today’s reflection. I love the quote above by St. Philip Neri. Now, I realize he was speaking of knowledge of ourselves and not putting ourselves into dangerous situations, but I see something else in this quote that I’d like to share today. I think this quote is just good life advice, in general. Not wanting what isn’t mine. Being content with the good things of life that God chooses to bless me with, rather than forever pining for what He hasn’t given me. The truly humble will be able to live in humble receptivity to God’s provision without chasing the wind. Being humble is simply living in the truth and when we live in truth, we can more easily accept things as they are. And what was I pursuing? The good opinion of others. To be fair, usually it was in service of others – a concern that I wasn’t inadvertently offending someone, but still. As I was sitting in morning Mass recently, I remembered the helpful words of another saint.

St. Therese of Lisieux longed to be forgotten by others. She talked about this idea in her autobiography, The Story of a Soul. I don’t know about you, but I don’t really like the idea of being forgotten. I think that is just human nature. Look around at all of our ads, our things, all the things we think we need to be “good enough”, noticed, to be comfortable, etc. But here’s the brilliant thing about this idea: if I truly love to be forgotten, I find that I’m not worried about all of the things this life offers and the opinions of others. Instead, I can learn “the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” (Philippians 4:12 NIV).

This does not mean that we do not care about ourselves, such as neglecting self-care of our bodies, emotions, etc. I am convinced that we will not be able to truly practice this self-forgetfulness until we are in tune with our needs and emotions. Otherwise it comes out more like martyrdom which, in still keeping the focus on us, is the exact opposite of what I propose here. This does not mean that our needs are not important or that we suddenly become doormats. It means that we simply let go of the preoccupation with self, realizing that God has our back. When we focus on Him, He will care for all else. The love of being forgotten helps to remove the selfish motivations for the things we do and what we ask of God.

For those of you unfamiliar with her, St. Therese of Lisieux was a Carmelite nun who lived in the late nineteenth century. I had the fortunate experience of spending time with the Third Order Carmelites this past spring as I discerned whether God might be calling me to this way of life. Although I discovered that it is not His will for me at this particular point in my life, I did learn some valuable lessons, and they ultimately led me to the calling God truly had in mind. The Carmelites take vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. It took me awhile to grasp how this would apply to a Third Order Carmelite, one who is married and living in the world, because frankly, we need stuff to raise kids. I am a married woman, not celibate, and how would I obey a superior when I have my husband to consider? What I learned is that they live the spirit of these vows, as promises. The Carmelites approach prayer as friendship with God and they seek to be rid of all that separates them from that Love or that prevents them from living in close union with God. They live lives of simple detachment so as to have the spiritual freedom to follow God’s call whenever and wherever that may be. Basically, they own things, but those things don’t own them.

To sum it all up, I have found the beginning of true happiness in this simple desire to be forgotten. It relieves so much pressure to be and do what others expect. It helps me to let go of others’ opinions or the need for their approval or love. In short, it frees me to simply remain in the moment and receive whatever God chooses to give me. I am free to love without expectation of it being returned. In that place, my soul finds much stillness and rest. One thing I have learned, God is never outdone in generosity and His ways of providing for my true needs are always better than mine.

I think this is particularly applicable to the busy Christmas season we now find ourselves in. As most of the world is in a flurry to find all the perfect gifts, tree trimmings and food, we have this beautiful season of Advent in which to slow down a little and ponder, with Mary, the gift of a savior. A Savior born into utter poverty, yet bringing every good thing we could possibly need or desire, the Love of God Incarnate.

Thoughts for further reflection:

In what way are you hanging onto the things of this world? Do these things bring light, peace, and joy to your soul or dryness and anxiety? How can you cultivate a love of truth in your life? In the midst of all the flurry of the season, maybe try spending a little extra time in the Scriptures this week or meditating on the Sunday gospel and allow a few minutes in quiet, letting God’s Word and love settle into your soul. If you have not bought one already, consider purchasing an advent wreath and discussing the gospels each Sunday as you gather with your family for dinner.

Verse for the week:

“In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.” (Isaiah 30:15 NRSVCE)