New Beginnings

Previously posted November 7, 2016 on a private blog.

I struggle with anxiety. There it is. It has been a life-long struggle in one form or another. I can literally worry about worrying. For some strange reason, I also have a great love of adventure. I realize those two things don’t seem to be likely companions, but I wonder if God has instilled this sense of adventure into me, knowing my weakness toward anxiety, in order to reveal His power and His provision.

I have always been perfectly happy to live in the same area, have my collection of friends and family, to know how everything is going to go, and to live a fairly predictable life. However, God seems to have much greater plans for my life than anything I could have come up with. He has guided me in my faith and in my conversion from my Baptist and non-denominational upbringing to the Catholic church. He moved my family 1,200 miles from everything I have ever known. Yet, even in the times when I felt like I had lost everything, He gave me exactly what I needed at each step and each change has broadened my view of the world and brought me new friends and the help that I needed most.

There have been some very dark times along this road. It was terrifying to trust the Catholic church about which I had heard so many bad things in my past. I wondered if my old friends and family would accept my changing faith. It was hard when we moved and the phone didn’t ring and I didn’t know a single person in my new town. I immediately joined a prayer group and a mothers group, but I still felt completely unknown and jumpy and suspicious of others because everyone was new. I had nothing to fall back on. No old friends to see as I reached out to the new ones. We were living in a new city while trying to wrap up commitments from my old hometown and wondering how on earth God would provide if anything went wrong.

During this time, I realized that if I was ever going to conquer the anxiety, I had to do the opposite of what it was telling me. I had to keep moving forward and walk right into whatever was scaring me and let the chips fall where they may. I found a journal last spring with the word “Fearless” on the cover. Underneath are the words from Matthew 19:26, “Nothing is impossible with God.” Somehow, those simple words have been a daily reminder to keep trusting Him and to keep moving forward.

Ever so slowly, God has been revealing His deep love for me, for each and every one of us. He has revealed His desire that I simply trust Him in everything. He desires that I sit at His feet as a child and let Him take care of the things I don’t understand. He desires that I obey and believe in His goodness, that anything He asks of me is for my ultimate good and only He knows what I need because He made me. He desires that I love others in spiritual freedom and that I experience deep peace and joy in life, regardless of the situation or how the elections turn out or whether I have whatever it is I think I need so badly that particular day.

I am slowly coming to trust Him, to know He is real and that heaven isn’t some far off idea of life after death. It is right here, right now, in my heart, in the smile or embrace of another. It is in putting aside my ideas of how everything should go each day and taking each moment as it is. It is in experiencing the moment, even the negative ones, to the full and without expectations. I watch as the elections are coming up, as terrible things are happening all around our world, as hatred and division seem to grow daily at a pace I can’t comprehend. Some days, I feel this overwhelming desire to give up because I don’t see what I can possibly do about any of it or how my tiny contribution could even make a dent.

Yet, I am not giving up. In those moments, I am trying not to live in fear anymore, but to listen to the heart of Jesus. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Tim. 1:7 NLT). I am going to keep moving forward and give each moment to Him, knowing somehow He is going to provide because He has always proven faithful in the past. He has kept His promises in Scripture and He has kept His promises to me. In those times that I have feared the most and stepped out anyway, He has taken care of every detail. He may take longer than I want, He may take me on some really painful detours, but His ways are ALWAYS good and always for my ultimate good.

I begin this blog today as part of that faith in His provision. My background is in visual communication, not written communication. To be perfectly honest, English classes were never my thing growing up. I have no formal training and no idea where I am going with this. I just have a desire to share God’s goodness with others and my prayer for you today is that you will, too. That you will experience His overwhelming love and mercy and go share that in some way with another person during your day. I think our world, the West in particular, is starving for love. For simple face to face connection with the person right in front of us, to know about God and His love for us each personally. I am only one person, but I wonder what the world would look like or how it would change if we all went out and did this each day. Even one small act of kindness...