Christmas Scrooge

Previously posted December 29, 2016 on a private blog.

Christmas just did not go the way I had envisioned this year. For one thing, this is my second year in another state, far from my family. I am struggling with the blues as I hear the joy in the voices of those planning for family visits. For some insanely stupid reason, I thought it was a good idea to put off Christmas shopping until after Thanksgiving. I was not accounting for the exhaustion that would follow a long trip to be with my husband’s extended family for Thanksgiving. My spiritual life has also been neglected in the all the flurry. All in all, I am just depleted in every way possible. Not the best way to start the holiday, and frankly, I’ve been a Scrooge.

I have also been considering what I would like to change in the year to come. I typically ignore new year’s resolutions. They seem made to be broken and I don’t feel the need to wait for New Year’s Day to suddenly try to make a lot of changes. I would rather take life as it comes than put that much pressure on myself. I realize that the thing I want most just isn’t going to happen anyway.

I want to hang on.

I am slow to accept change, yet I know that even if I were to move back home or keep any other number of things as they are, things are just not the same. Life changes. People change. And I can’t go back. I just have to be open to the new moment.

I decided to simplify my spiritual life during December. I love to read, but I have been feeling stifled by my books. So, I decided to limit my reading to the daily gospel and begin to practice lectio divina more faithfully and just see what happens. Even in the midst of my Scroogieness (pardon the invention here), I have slowly been seeing the Christmas story in a new light. There have been little things that have stood out in the story that maybe I wasn’t so aware of before. Somehow, God has met with me in the midst of my struggle, and no matter how much I fight Him for control of things, He is showing me that I am not alone, He still loves me and He isn’t going anywhere. He is just waiting for me to make a little room for Him. He just seems to understand.

I was sitting in Mass on Christmas Day and the priest was talking about how Mary and Joseph left Bethlehem in not such great standing with the locals. She was pregnant and it was clear Joseph wasn’t the father. She had to travel a long distance while pregnant and deliver in a stable and accept strangers coming to worship Her newborn son. Shepherds. Not the cleanest people alive. Yet, she was generous in accepting God’s plan and the people He brought into her life.

I personally cannot imagine how she felt in that moment. I was fortunate enough to give birth in a hospital with family nearby and I had a comfortable home waiting for me. I remember the months before giving birth and all of the preparations, the baby showers, etc. There were many visitors to share our joy and bring us food. Yet, she was asked to go to Egypt, with no family support, no friends.

This made me think. Here she was giving birth alone in a stable except for Joseph. This was the Son of God, and how much she must have wanted to share that moment with her loved ones and to give Him everything He needed or could possibly want. She was faithful to God’s plan even though she had no idea how He would provide. Yet, God didn’t leave Mary and Joseph alone in that moment. 

Others came to share in His birth. Shepherds came. The Magi came. This small band of people didn’t share family history together. They probably never encountered one another again after this point in time, yet, they got it. They understood the greatness of this moment. God had just sent the Messiah into the world. Furthermore, it was these people, who shared in her life so briefly, that brought the gifts that would be her little family’s livelihood as they traveled to Egypt in order to protect Jesus’ life. They brought what was needed for the next phase of the journey.

Maybe this is all I can expect right now.

Here I am, in this phase of transition. I don’t feel like I’ve found home just yet. I have no idea where exactly we will finally settle or what church will be nearby. I’m working so hard to build relationships with people who may not even be here. Some have moved away already. Others may go soon, too. Yet, they get it. As I slowly open up to others, we are able to share our experiences. They, too, are seeking to grow closer to Jesus. We share this journey as mothers, as children of God, as a church family. So many have given me precious gifts of their time and love, their understanding of being in a new place. These are the provisions, the wisdom I will need, for the next phase of my journey. Although I still feel the anxiety and tears threatening, I have to believe God is good and He has a plan and somehow, it will all be okay.